From the quiet seclusion of your wheelie chair at the computer, you may feel a sense of comfort and safety from the world, knowing you’re not in any immediate physical danger. Wild dogs, bar fights, shark attacks – none of these things fall into the realm of possibility while you’re at work (unless you work in a bar, at the beach or for an animal shelter). But don’t be fooled – the corporate workplace is a minefield of danger. Terrible beasts lurk around every corner, waiting for a chance to suck the lifeblood from your veins… Read and bewarned.
5. Carpel Tunnel Syndrome
It’s more than a common excuse used by lazy people to get out of office sporting events. CTS is as real as death and taxes. The dreaded syndrome preys on the most vigilant employees who put countless hours at their desk. Each day, the CTS monsters apply more pressure to the median nerve located in your forearms, resulting in tingling, weak and defenseless wrists that are cursed into wearing a dorky brace for all eternity – and the word part about it is having to explain what CarpelTunnel Syndrome is to other people.
Don’t laugh. If you’ve ever sustained a serious paper cut, you’ll know cruel and unending the pain. Paper, a seemingly harmless byproduct of trees, serve an endless lust for blood and gore that knows no bounds.Hemophiliacs beware! One trip to the photo copy room could be the end.
Migraines – the land mine of the office world, ready to go off at any time. They can be triggered by just about anything – your boss’s annoying voice, your colleague telling you a ridiculous story about their weekend or the repetition of a stapler ploughing through a wad of notes. One minute you’re standing there, pondering a way to get out of a mind-numbingly dull story, the next you’re shattered like a pane of glass, bewildered by the sudden sensation of an ice-pick lodged into your eye ball.
The most cold and ruthless of all office beasts, hemorrhoids spend their days and nights lurking in the fabric uncomfortable chairs, gnawing into the tooshies of unsuspecting office workers who forget to re-position themselves. These indiscriminate assassins can reduce the bravest and toughest to whimpering pools of distress.
The cold, hard reality is that humans weren’t born to locked up like battery chickens for 10 hours a day, doing menial office chores. Long-term exposure to this can very likely cause a mental breakdown. Many an office-employee has undergone a fully-fledged crazy-attack without even realizing it – they just suddenly feel the urge to bunch holes in their nose, or start break dancing on the conference table wearing nothing but their boss’s toupee and sunglasses.
So be careful out there, ladies and gents… These monsters hide in plain sight.